Iron Man 2

 

What Jack Says...

Ugh, what I can I say about this entire enterprise other than I can't stand these movie. I know you may have just checked out at the mere idea that I blow my wad at that prospect of yet another comic book movie, but I'm pretty over it. 

The most shocking part about this entire franchise is that people actually think that Jon Favrea is a good director. He might have had a minute of greatness back when he did Elf, but that's about it. It actually physically pains me to see some of the shit he does with the camera and don't tell me that his action scenes are good. They just aren't. They are shaky and all over the place. You wanna watch a good action sequence then watch The Town. Yeah you heard me Jon Favrea. Ben Affleck kicks the shit out of you when it comes to directing so there!

Scarlett Johansson is pretty much the only reason I wanted to see this movie and when she was cool she was cool, but the rest of the time she is sort of like a robot. If this were Star Trek I would want her to be the voice at the helm. Oh sweet Jesus how annoying is Gwyneth Paltrow in these movies? The worst part is it so isn't her fault. That is how the character is written and that is just bad for women everywhere. So bad.

I will say that I am nearly certain I will have nothing to do with another one of these movies and since Jon Favrea isn't making it neither will anyone else. Robert Downey Jr. just needs to make more Sherlock Holmes movies, because they are far more superior. Oh, and Robert looks great. Like wow wow wow great. Bravo on the bod. 

 

Boo, I give it a 3. Yep, a 3. I expect some lengthy hate mail over this review. Bring it on.

 

Deadgirl

 

What Jack Says...

This is the story of two high school boys that discover a girl tied up in the basement of an abandoned hospital. They learn that she may not be human at all and that she can't be killed. 

I have known about this movie for quite sometime, but I am pretty excited that I finally got a chance to watch it. I knew of it because an old friend wrote the score and I wanted to check it out. If I am grading just the score, it was pretty great. It fit the movie extremely well and there were some pretty fantastic moments.

This is one of the first projects for Shiloh Fernandez of Red Riding Hood and also for Candice Accola of The Vampire Diaries. I think now that they are both relatively big stars this movie might get some attention. The subject matter is pretty intense and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. There is rape, blood, gore and all that jazz. They really do pull it all out of their bag of tricks in this one. There is some pretty scandalous shit in this movie that the weaker of stomachs probably won't be able to handle. I was pretty shocked by some of this and I'm pretty unshakable. 

The directors really captured the craziness of teenagers and their sometimes obsessive tendencies. There is some really good character stuff in this movie and it is worth that alone. I almost wish the subject matter wasn't so intense. I would love to see most of this cast back together again in something that isn't so raw. 

 

I give it a 6. I don't know if I could watch it again. 

 

Timer

 

What Jack Says...

This movie was recommended to me by Netflix and it is yet another movie that I can't believe I didn't think of writing. 

In this movie there is company that can implant you with a timer that will lets you know when you will meed your soul mate. The protagonist, Oona, has her timer but it just shows zeros. That is because her soul mate hasn't gotten a timer yet. She is nearly 30 and feels like time is running out and decides to take a chance on a guy that she knows isn't the one for her. 

Pretty interesting story right? I think so. This really was a charming and just all around good movie. The casting was pretty perfect and the script is actually a little genius. The woman that they cast as Oona, Emma Caulfield, is so good I want to find out what else she is in because I am a big fan. The guy they cast to play her love interest, John Patrick Amedori, is pretty great too as well as Michelle Borth that plays the sister. Another very nice surprise is Desmond Harrington that plays Quinn on Dexter pops up in this movie and he's great. 

I really can't say enough good things about this movie, but of course there has to be at least one con. I really hated the way this movie ended. I am not a big fan of closure, but on this one I had a way I wanted it to end and it didn't end that way at all. I'm OK with it now, but I was pretty pissed when the credits started to roll. Don't let that detour you because this movie is well worth it. This is independent film making done right. 

 

I give it an 8.5. 

 

The Vicious Kind

 

What Jack Says...

IMDB lists this movie as a comedy and there really isn't anything funny about it. There are a few chuckles here and there, but it is more like uncomfortable humor. Don't be fooled as I was into thinking this movie is funny because it is actually pretty serious.

It basically the story of a man who has been burned pretty hard by women in the past and he thinks that they are all good for nothing whores and he tells them so. He goes to pick up his younger brother from college, as well as his new girlfriend, and takes them back to his family home for the holidays. He then develops an obsession over this girl that he can't control. 

I originally wanted to watch this movie because it has Adam Scott from Party Down in it as well as Britney Snow. I really like both of them and I felt that they were very opposite actors so it would be a interesting combination. The good news is that I was right. Their chemistry was really amazing and the casting in general was spot on. There are some pretty intense scenes in this movie that you won't be expecting. I like that sort of thing. The end was a little eh, but I think it is OK. It worked.  

 I give it a 7. I would watch it again. 

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

 

What Jack Says...

This movie is about a group of experts that are hired to rejuvenate a failing car dealership.

Working in a car dealership, this movie hit pretty close to home. A lot of the lingo and the dialogue were dead on. I guess if you don't expect too much from this movie you might enjoy it. It starts out pretty solid, but it sort of flounders near the middle. The believability of he characters and their abilities are compromised around this point. They start pulling out some just plain silly ideas and it doesn't work. I think if they would have continued the theme and pace from the beginning of the movie throughout the whole movie it might have worked. 

I am not typically a big fan of Jeremy Piven, but he looked pretty good in this movie. It must have been his little vests and tight shirts. Yep, that must have been it. Oh and the stubble. I dig the stubble. 

 

I give it a 4. Not great and certainly not re watchable. 

 

The Fall

 

What Jack Says...

This is the tale of a wounded Stuntman that befriends a small girl staying in the same hospital and cons her into helping him get medicine for his pain. In return she has him tell her elaborate stories. The more drugs she provides, the more fantastical the stories get. 

I can't believe I had never heard of this movie until a few weeks ago. When I watched the trailer for this movie I realized it was right up my alley. This movie was directed by Tarsem Singh and he is most notable for directing The Cell. Just watching the trailer I knew that the same person did both movies. Both movies are just so completely visually stunning that it will blow your mind. Everything from the costumes, to the production design and even the score blew my mind. I will say though, I was a little put off by the end of this movie. I feel like I still want more and I was a little let down. I had to sleep on it, but once I did I realized that this was a truly great film.

I have to mention how hot Lee Pace is in this movie. That is another reason I am so surprised that I didn't know this movie existed because I love all things Lee Pace. In the fantasy portions he has all this sexy eyeliner and really great shoulders. He doesn't take his shirt off, but I am willing to look past that because the rest of the movie was so awesome.

I will certainly watch this movie again. Thank you William for introducing this movie to me. I know I would have found it soon or later, but I'm glad it was sooner.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and stick with a solid 9.

 

Red Riding Hood

 

What Jack Says...

I'm going to just get this out of the way right from the start. There is no sex in this movie. Nope none at all. That was a HUGE disappointment because the trailer really made it out to be a big hot steamy mess. No one even takes their shirt off. Seriously! Painful. Wait! There is this one fantasy section at the end, but I think you just see some shoulders. That's not enough for me.

All that aside I actually sort of kinda enjoyed this movie. The directing was terrible. Women directors have no place in the business. Sorry, but that's how I feel. This movie was however extremely aesthetically stunning and the costumes were pretty impressive as well. This is a production designers dream project. There was so much fantasy that you could have taken it anywhere so that was pretty exciting.

Now, for what I really want to talk about. How hot is Shiloh Fernandez? I mean seriously. Why isn't he in everything? I want to cast him now now now in the script I'm writing and it's not even finished yet. I sort of hope he doesn't become too big of a star so that I can have a chance at casting him. He is a little short and a little skinny, but there is something about him that makes him insanely hot. He is sort of like a younger Joaquin Phoenix without the lip issues. 

Amanda Seyfried was pretty hot too and she is just sexy looking girl. Now, since she is so sexy and she does get naked in movies, I pretty much assume now that she will get naked all the time. I was very saddened when that didn't happen in this movie. They tease at it, but no actual nudity. Stupid PG-13 rating. 

In the end I would watch this movie again. I will definitely want to see Shiloh Fernandez in all his hotness again and maybe they will have unedited version for the video release. Here's hoping.  

 

I'm gonna take a chance here and give it a 7. I may have to retract that rating once the DVD comes out if they don't give me more of what I want to see. I have a good feeling though. 

 

Salt

 

What Jack Says...

This is basically the story of a CIA agent that goes on the run after she is suspected of being a Russian Spy. 

I really didn't know what to expect from this movie. Angelina is in her bra and underwear from the get so that is good for the guys. She is getting the piss beat out of her, but she is in her undies none the less. 

I actually thought that this movie was pretty entertaining. It is certainly a different type of movie for her and if you think it is just another Tomb Raider style action movie then you're wrong. It actually had a pretty complex story and I'm a little angry with myself for not writing it first. Salt is certainly worth watching and it's just a good action flick.

 

I give it a 6.5

 

Me and Orson Wells

 

What Jack Says...

This is the story of a teenager that is cast in Orson Wells' production of Julius Caesar in 1937. It is the classic story of being in the right place at the right time.

I was super psyched when I saw that this movie was streamable on Netflix because I love all things Zac Efron. The cast was pretty good and I do love me some Clair Danes. I was a tad disappointed in their selection for Orson Wells. They cast Christian McKay and I would have liked to have seen them cast Michael Gladis from the first few seasons of Mad Men. I'm dying to see him play Orson Wells because he would just be perfect. I completely forgot that Liev Shriber played Orson Wells in RKO 281. Man he was good in that and that was a fantastic movie, but back to this movie.

This movie wasn't really all that grand. Claire Danes plays a little bit of a "C" word. She isn't incredibly likable and she's a little cold. I like her in likable rolls better.

There is this one amazing disappointing scene where her and Zac are implying that they are going to sleep together for the first time. She throws him a robe and you totally think he's going to at least take his shirt off. Nope! she come out and kisses him and the imply that they are going to go to the bedroom and then the scene is over. What is up with that? In the wise words of Hari I am so over all this close but no cigar shit. I mean seriously, how PG can you get. It's frustrating. 

Alright, so if you are going by my prerequisites for hot guys in movies this one met most of them:

1. Zac doesn't take his shirt off, but he does get wet in a white shirt. That's passable.

2. Zac cries.

3. He wears a suit.

4. BONUS: He sings. 

If Zac would have just gotten naked this would have been the best movie ever, but since he didn't I will have to lower my grade substantially. As in all Zac Efron movies so far I believe that this movie wasn't that great, but he was great in it. 

 

I give it a 6.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

 

What Jack Says...

Yes, I do realize that this movie came out 20 years ago, but I had to watch it for class. I remember the first time I watched this movie I was about 9 years old and it blew my mind wide open. I had never seen an action movie like this and I doubt anyone had at this point. James Cameron revolutionized this type of technology and changed Sci-Fi action movies forever. Kudos to you James Cameron.

Now, watching this movie 20 years later it is starting to show it's age a bit. The liquid metal T-1000 is still pretty bad ass, but there are some effects that just didn't stand the test of time. The worst part is the guy they got to be Arnold's body double. Man oh man he looks nothing like Arnold. The worst parts are where he is on the motorcycle. I think that guy is about fifteen feet shorter and thirty pounds lighter. Not a good fit at all. 

Linda Hamilton was totally ripped in this movie, but man she looked like a dude. There was a point in Beauty and the Beast (the TV show) that she looked pretty, but in this she was pretty butch. I guess we can't blame James for ditching her for that talentless fraud from Titanic. 

If you are reading this James Cameron please please please re master this movie and put it on Blue-Ray. I know it is already out in that format, but since it wasn't made for it, it won't be the same. Stop messing around with the monstrosity that is Avatar and just go back to your roots. We'll still buy your shit. I promise. 

 

Resident Evil: Afterlife

 

What Jack Says...

Everyone knows what the Resident Evil movies are about; Alice, Zombies, Saving the human race. This story was not different than the rest. The only new twist is that the zombies have evolved and they now have these creatures with tentacles that jump out of their mouths. It's strange.

This really wasn't a great movie, but it was entertaining. The effects were cool and the guy with the big as hammer ax thing was pretty terrifying. Almost as frightening as the guy in Silent Hill. Sorry Resident Evil, that was sort of a rip off. 

Milla Jovovich looks great! Man she is still hot! I don't think she will ever stop being beautiful. God bless her. 

 

I give it a 5. Just OK. 

 

Highway

 

What Jack Says...

This is basically the story of two guys who are on the run from getting their asses beaten after Jared Leto's character screws a married woman. They of course meet twists and turns along their journey including meeting Selma Blair's character. 

I'm not going to go into extensive detail on what this movie is about because it's pretty much not worth it. Here is what is worth it. Jared Leto gets naked. Yep, naked ladies and it's glorious. He is one of those men that should be naked all the time and if not naked at least shirtless. He has an amazing bod and when this movie came out in 2002 he was just that much younger and just that much hotter. 

Jake Gyllenhaal played a total schitzo and Selma Blair played a flaky chick. I believe that there wasn't much acting in this movie at all. The movie was pretty predictable and not all that great, but Jared Leto getting naked was enough for me to stay tuned in.

 

I give it a 4. 

 

Grown Ups

 

What Jack Says...

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. That's all. Well, David Spade was funny and Salma Hayak had a great rack. I mean seriously, she looks great for being as old as she is and after having her baby.

That's about it. It was highly predictable and the funny moments really weren't all that funny. Didn't love it.

A 2 sounds about right. 

 

Easy A

 

What Jack Says...

When Olive, a clean cut high school girl, has the misfortune of having a nasty rumor spread around school about her she decides to use it in her favor. 

Everyone told me this movie was amazing and I was like "what?". Then Emma Stone was nominated for Golden Globe and I just thought that was crazy talk. I seriously didn't know what could be so great. I now know what is so great and I will explain it to you. 

The script was pure genious and will give Bert V. Royal mad props for it. There is no way that this movie would have worked so well without it. Emma Stone really is a fantastic actress and I hope to see her do more and often. She brought life and likability to a character that could have easily been disliked.

Penn Badgley plays the love interest and he's kinda hot. He takes his shirt off, but he's all covered in blue paint. You know what? I'll take it. Yeah.

I loved this movie and I will watch it over and over. 

 

 I'm feeling extremely generous so I'm giving it a 9.5. You're welcome. 

 

Dinner For Schmucks

 

What Jack says...

This movie forced me to reevaluate what a comedy really is. This movie doesn't really fit any sort of typical genre. I do know one thing for sure, it certainly wasn't funny. Yeah, you heard me. Not funny.

This was a HUGE disappointment because I love me some Steve Carell and Paul Rudd. I should have known that when the opening sequence started with a village of real stuffed mice, that it was going to be a weird one. I like fucked up shit as much as the next guy but this fucked up shit didn't work. I consider Zach Galifianakis a pretty funny guy typically, but nope not in this. He was just uncomfortable and unwatchable. The absolute worst part about this movie is it is called Dinner for Schmucks so you would assume that that they would get on taking a Schmuck to dinner. Nope. Seriously, they don't go to dinner until the movie is nearly over. Ugh.

 

I give this one a 2. It was just unnerving. 

 

Dances With Wolves

 

What Jack Says...

TORTURE! That might be a little bit of an exaggeration so I will just say it was minor torture. Anytime you are forced to watch a movie you are automatically predispositioned to not enjoy yourself. It's a fact.

I had seen this movie when I was younger, but I don't think I was fully mature enough to appreciate the subject matter. Now that I have seen it at an older age, I just don't give a fuck. Yep, not even a little bit. Growing up in the West this crap is forced down your throat at a very young age and it just gets old. I know that sounds offensive, but oh well. This is my blog. MINE!

Is this movie historically accurate? Probably. Is it written well? Sure. Was it new and interesting for the time? Yeah. Was it entertaining? Nope. 

 

I give it a 4 purely on the fact that it deserved the awards it received. 

 

 

Toy Story 3

 

What Jack Says...

I am a little ashamed to say it, but I really had zero desire to see this movie. When I heard they were making yet another Toy Story movie I was figuring it was just going to be another bad sequel. I'm not a huge fan of the second one at all. I am happy to inform you that I was wrong about this installment.

Hari saw this movie in the theater and she cried hard. Sorry for outing you Hari. I couldn't figure out what could be so sad and all Hari told me was "Andy does right by them." I was thoroughly confused and then of course I waited to for DVD to see it.

I love Barbie so all the Barbie stuff rocked my world. There are toys in this movie that I forgot even existed. It is sad because the new generation of kids have no idea how nostalgic this movie really is and they just won't "get it". It is hard to commend production design in an animated movie, but this one was flawless. Just look in the background the next time you watch it, especially in the classroom scenes. You will see things that are completely obsolete in classrooms now, but were in every classroom "when we were kids." Oh god, I just got old. Yep, right this second. 

I'm not ashamed to say I cried hard during this movie not once, but at two points of the film. I was sort of a whimpering idiot both times I watched it. This movie was so good I watched it two days in a row. It certainly deserves all the nominations it had and all the awards that were won.

This was good family fun even for people without kids. I urge everyone to watch it because it is certainly a blast from the past. Oh, and I agree, Andy does do right by them.

 

I give it a 9. I would watch it again many times over.

P.S. How scary is Big Baby. Gaaaaahhhhh! 

 

The Town

 

What Jack Says...

Ben Affleck has the most amazing shoulders. I just had to get that out of the way. I feel that his shoulders alone could carry just about any film. If his shoulders and Leo Dicaprio's shoulders got together to make a movie, it would be the most amazing buddy love movie ever! 

This movie was actually pretty good. Whoever put together this trailer really got me. It's one of the better ones out there and I will say it is a pretty accurate representation of the film. 

This could have been the best movie ever if that stupid horrible bitch of a she beast Rebecca Hall wasn't in it. As you can see I hate her. She can't act and she need not ever be in a film again. If they were looking for an actress that was just like every other chick on the street and that is completely and totally forgettable then they found their lady. I will re state for the record "I hate her."

Jeremy Renner a and Ben Affleck were great. Their chemistry was believable and it felt real. Now, I know everyone wants to know "did Jeremy Renner take his shirt off?" The answer is YES. Ding, Ding, Ding. Yes, and it was glorious for two reasons. 

Reason 1: Jeremy is in the shower so it implies that he is naked and he is wet. Awesome.

Reason 2: Ben Affleck has his shirt of too. Yes, ladies you get both. 

They did this scene in this awesome side by side montage scene that will blow you away. I won't say I have never seen it done before, but I will say I have never seen it done this well before.

I want to state that I think that Ben Affleck is a fantastic director. Now don't check out on me just yet. Between this and Gone Baby Gone he deserves all the credit he can get. There is this one car chase scene that will change your life. It is so intense that when it's over you actually exhale deeply. If Ben weren't a fantastic director that scene would have never been made so well. You just have to see it because it really is impressive. 

Yes, I very much liked this movie. The end was slightly ho hum, but I didn't care about that. This was just an all around exciting movie that I would totally watch again.

 I give it a very enthusiastic 8.

 

The Curious Case of Benjamine Button

 

What Jack Says...

If you don't know what this movie is about then you have been living under a rock and I don't feel I need to elaborate on the plot.

Let's just get down to it then. I feared the worst in this movie when Hari saw it in the theater and had trouble staying awake. Needless to say it clearly hasn't been on the top of my to do list. It was finally streamable, thank you Netflix, and I was able to check it out.

Ok, Brad Pitt is old in this movie. I guess you all know that, but he is really old. Like crotchety nasty old man saggy balls crotchety in this movie. The worst part is that he is old almost the whole movie. Yes, the whole movie. I'm not exaggerating even a little bit. He doesn't get hot until 30 minute before this monstrosity is over. I will say that when he gets hot he is pretty hot. 

Now onto Ms. Blanchett. OH, sweet Jesus she is beautiful in this movie. Even when she is her actual age she is beautiful. They did all these creepy movie tricks to make all the actors look older and younger at different points and it has to be against all that is holey. It's the devils work I tell you. No seriously, she was wonderful and I would watch her do just about anything. Wait there is one thing I will never watch her do again and that is play Bob Dylan. Wow that movie was bad.

In the end, this movie was just so so. Certainly one of my least favorite David Fincher films, but I guess it was watchable. 

 

I give this one 6. Not wonderful, but not horrible either. Oh, Yeah and I cried hard. Yep hard.